10 ideas for reducing stress when looking after an aging parent

Acting on behalf of aging parents is well known to be stressful. From time to time, you will have to take steps on behalf of your parent that are in the best interest of the parent, but not what the parent wants to have happen. These are things like taking your parent to a doctor for a mental assessment, taking away the car keys or credit card, or hiring a caregiver.

The steps that are against your parent's wishes are the most stressful of all. And not just for you. Think about what it must feel like to be the parent in these situations. Your parent may be distressed, anxious or disoriented, as well as somewhat miffed at you for not doing what you're told.

Here are 10 ideas for keeping your parent's anxiety - as well as your own - to a minimum:

1.  Involve your parent in the decision-making process to the extent that he or she can handle. This level of involvement is different for everyone. While your parent might not be able to handle the documentation and financial transactions that are part of the sale of a home, he or she may still be perfectly capable of deciding which personal items in the home he or she wants to keep.

2.  Keep your parent and your siblings informed as to steps that you have taken on your parent's behalf. Proactively giving out information is going to prevent you from getting telephone calls and email messages constantly and having to repeat the same information to several people. For example, if you had said that you would contact an estate-planning lawyer on behalf of your parent, let your siblings know that you've set up an appointment.  As your parent is the focus of the situation, you should keep him or her up to date personally if at all possible.

3.  Find efficient ways to communicate with your family as a group. Set up a distribution list on your email that includes all immediate family members so that you can send one message to all of them with one click. Or set up a Facebook page or web page for your family so that you can post information that they can access when they have time. If you don't want to use your computer as your main means of communication, set up a telephone-tree arrangement in which you ask each person you call to call two or three others and pass your message along.

4.  While you are dealing with your parent, either privately or in the company of advisors or family members, be professional and calm. If you are an emotional wreck, your distress will rub off on your parent. This will only make things worse, as your parent could be frightened about matters if you cry or break down every time estate planning or medical appointments are mentioned. He or she will wonder what terribly upsetting information you're hiding. If your parent is confused on any details, your distress will cause him or her to give the most negative interpretation possible to the issue.

5.  If staying calm is impossible, you need to take a break. If there is nobody in your family who can help you with caring for your parents, even if it's only for a weekend, you might look into hiring a caregiver for a portion of each day, or for a certain day of each week. Also consider other living arrangements for your parent that offer more support.  If you find that you are always exhausted, that you are catching numerous colds each year, or that you are depressed, it could be that you are over-doing it and need some relief.

6.  If you are acting on behalf of your parent on financial matters, make sure that anyone who becomes involved, such as appraisers, realtors, accountants, bankers and lawyers, know that they should contact you directly and not your parent.  Give each person a copy of the document that gives you legal authority. This isn't so that you can hide things from your parent; this is so that your parent doesn't have strangers calling him or her to ask private financial information or to talk about unknown transactions. If your parent were capable of handling that situation, you wouldn't be involved in the first place.

7.  If your parent asks you questions, answer them. Help your parent undestand what you are doing and why you are doing it. When he or she wants to see documents, even if it's for the tenth time, show the documents. Write down information such as upcoming appointments on a calendar and display it prominently, such as on the front of the fridge where you parent will find it.

8.  Make sure that bank statements, court documents, receipts and correspondence are kept in an orderly, accessible place. Chaos isn't helpful.

9.  Listen to your parent if he or she wants to talk about his or her wishes. This could be wishes about living arrangements, or about distribution under your parent's will, or even about what your parent wants to do next week. You may not always be able to carry out those wishes, but you should still know what your parent would like to see happen. Having someone listen carefully and take your parent seriously can have a very soothing effect.  If you say something like "Why should I listen? You're only going to forget what you said and tell me again tomorrow", you are only going to upset your parent and increase everyone's stress level.

10.  Keep up with the requirements of your legal authority to act on behalf of your parent. For example, if you are going to be required to give a legal accounting of the finances one day, try to keep current with the ledgers and books. Trying to put together a couple of years' worth of financial records on a deadline is unpleasant and stressful. Look into getting book-keeping software that will keep things straight for you.

Winnipeg man with Alzheimer's to stay in remand centre two more weeks

This is certainly a tough situation. The man in question here has Alzheimer's, for which he needs help and a new living arrangement, but he also lashed out at someone, for which he was arrested. I really would not want to be the person to sort out all of the social, legal and economic issues this family is facing right now. Click here to read the story.

Relatives can be paid to provide care for elderly family member

There is an article talking about relatives being paid to look after aging parents or other family members here. Although it is American and focuses a bit on Medicaid, which doesn't apply to us here in Canada, the ideas in the article are still quite good and worth reading. People in general are becoming more accepting of the idea that family membes who devote their time to looking after an elderly relative should be compensated for their efforts, particularly when giving that care prevents them from working elsewhere.

I posted an entry about this topic on this blog not long ago, called "What is a Family Care Contract?". Read that blog post by clicking here. I also talk about it in a bit more detail in my "Estate Planning Through Family Meetings" book.

Does appointing a trustee for an elderly person revoke the elderly person's Will?

The short answer to this question is "no". Appointing a trustee for an adult whose capacity is diminishing and needs help with finances does not revoke the assisted person's existing Will. Since I was asked this question recently at a seminar but didn't get a chance to explain my reasons, I'll expand on that short answer here.

Perhaps the thinking behind the question was that a trustee is only appointed when an individual loses some or all of his or her mental abilities. While a person must have mental capacity to make the Will and sign it, there is no requirement that he or she must continue to have mental capacity up until the moment of death.

To me it wouldn't make sense that a Will be revoked by the appointment of a trustee due to decline of mental abilities. Once capacity is diminished, the individual cannot make a new Will to replace the old, revoked Will, Revocation on trusteeship would mean that every adult who had a trustee appointed would die intestate.

Perhaps the question arose because a trustee is appointed to take charge of all of the individual's assets, income, and debts. To some people this might suggest that the trustee has the final say on who gets what from the individual's estate. Keep in mind though that the authority given to a trustee by a court order (or Power of Attorney) ends the moment the assisted person dies. Therefore the Will doesn't come into play until the moment the trustee loses his or her authority. In fact, the trustee should actually be reading the assisted person's Will to make sure that the executor isn't doing anything to contradict it.

New Adult Guardianship & Trusteeship Act still mostly unknown

Alberta's new Guardianship and Trusteeship Act has been in place for about five months, replacing our old Dependent Adults Act. I'm still getting a lot of questions about whether this new Act simply re-names the old roles and leaves the process intact. It does much more than that. It now allows a variety of assisted decision-making arrangements which can be tailored to meet the specific needs of assisted adults. Not every impairment is the same and different people need different kinds of help.

The new decision-making arrangements now possible to help someone (known as the "assisted adult") make decisions are:

- Supported decision-making: This is the only one of the new arrangements that does not require a court order to be put into place. It's brought about by the assisted adult signing a form. It is appropriate for an assisted adult who still has most of his or her mental capacity but wants support to make certain decisions. Having this form in place does not authorize anyone to decide things for the assisted adult or to speak for them. The helper's role is only one of support. This arrangement is available for personal and health-care decisions and NOT financial decisions.

- Co-decision-making: This is intended for an assisted adult whose ability to make decisions is definitely impaired, but he or she can still make decisions with a lot of help. It fills that niche for assisted adults who need more than supported decision-making, but don't need a full guardianship or trusteeship. It requires the written consent of both the assisted adult and the helper, and is put in place by a court order. It is available for personal and health-care decisions but NOT financial decisions.

- Guardianship: This was available under the old Act but this version is much improved in terms of requiring more thought, planning and accountability by guardians. It requires a court order and appoints someone to make decisions on behalf of an assisted adult, without necessarily any input from that assisted adult. This is also intended for personal and health-care decisions and does not give any authority to deal with money or property.

- Trusteeship: This is still the only arrangement available for assisting an adult with decisions respecting money and property. It requires a court order, and like guardianship, takes the decision-making completely out of the hands of the assisted adult. Trusteeship has additional reporting requirements because it must account for all financial transactions.

The court's view is that the least intrusive solution available is the right one for any given adult. In other words, the court doesn't want to put a guardianship order in place if a co-decision-making order will do. The idea is to continue to allow the assisted adult to maintain independence and control over his or her own affairs as much as possible.

Needs may change over time. Where a supported decision-making arrangement works for someone right now, perhaps in a year or two it might have to be changed to allow for more assistance.

The best way to ensure that you are putting the right arrangement into place is to have an assessment report prepared. The report will make recommendations about the level of decision-making support that is needed.